I have had such a heavy heart today that I felt the need to write about it in hopes to come to some sort of enlightenment or acceptance maybe about recent events. I am a very quick tempered person. I have improved tremendously and think that I have done very well in a lot of situations lately where I could easily find myself wasting anger or hoarding anger towards something/someone. It has, like most things, been picking at my brain and it just won't stop. And I just cannot bring myself to draw any type of normal conclusion to a situation (well, the lack of knowing the situation even existed in the first place), where someone would go and make such harsh accusations with no knowledge of the actual truth. This makes me even more irritated in that it is so openly directed towards my family. At a time when selfishness and narcissistic behavior, you may call it, should NOT even be a part of an event so devastating to my family. The actual audacity to make a statement that would even come close to acknowledging that ANYONE should be grieving more than another. A mother who gave birth to her son, a father who taught him, a sister who worried and wanted to always protect her little brother, leaving behind a younger brother, too young to understand, yet only knowing that he has lost the person he wanted to be, his identity of a brother taken from him only to be left with a sister who doesn't understand "guy things." And the actual fact that you would leave such a statement so clearly written, visible. for all of us to see. That my husband would have to sneak to go get it before I would find it. I can understand that he may have been your whole world for the past few years that you knew him. But he was our world for 27. No, we didn't know his secrets or inner most thoughts the last years of his life. But who tells that to your sister or parents when you are 27. Especially a sister who was constantly nagging you b/c she knew you better than the way you had changed . There is no need to explain the relationship, bonds, and memories a family holds. Each of our pain is different and I cannot discredit nor dimish anyone's feelings. I can only take from it the hurt, the stab at aching hearts, and the scars from someone I never discredited as a person. Always recognizing and never judging, someone I never meant to hurt but has hurt me. As I have tried to make sense of it and ponder the reasons I do see a small amount of confusion that may have been taking place. But instead of a simple inquisition, harsh words were replaced. Another lesson of things I will never understand, a "why" question.
Proverbs 15:1 A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.
So I will rid myself of anger, take note of what has already been done, and move ahead in the truths as I know them to be.