Naturally as moms we often wonder if what we are doing is enough, are we doing the right things, do we teach them enough, are we teaching them right from wrong, teaching them how to be kind, generous, giving, a good friend and thousands of other questions we ponder daily.
Lately, I feel like I have failed in many of these areas. I get easily agitated, aggrevated, lose patience, get mad, and say or do things I wish I could take back. I feel like I have failed at being a mom, failed at being a good role model, and failed in passing the test.
With all our hearts we want to make our kids happy, please them, do things you know they would love. Today, we took our girls to ride The Macy's Pink Pig at Lenox. This was right after the school Christmas party this morning that I struggled to get to. I had gotten 3 hours of sleep and was irritated at myself for not being able to go to sleep earlier, for not having the kids gifts done, and the teacher's gifts finished. So at 7am I am trying to get an impossible almost 5 yr old dressed b/c of outfit malfunctions such as the socks not fitting right, the pants aren't how she likes them, etc. We have the same battle almost daily in regards to how her clothing feels, fits, or she all of a sudden doesn't like it. My husband tried to help but she refused his offerings as well. He tries to help me with the gifts and I am grumpy and mad at myself. I can only partially blame myself for the lack of sleep b/c I did work until 1am and do not get home and then ready for bed until 2am. But I was unable to sleep, maybe I should have tried harder before I got up to vent on my blog.
On our way there I get complaints of potty breaks needed, a 2 yr old who keeps saying "hungry" but refuses everything I try to give her, cries, whines, etc. All before the interstate. I am frustrated and I get frustrated at them.
At the mall, one incident of wanting a cookie but not wanting to take the elevator to get there so she starts whining, I use the if you are going to whine you don't get a cookie but that ends up in the outcome of getting a cookie due to looks of bad mommy from my husband. We get the cookie and of course a NEEDED drink. Then she has to go to the restroom, my husband goes onto the car with our 2 yr old. At the restroom, she refuses to use it and wants to use the portable potty in the car. This is an often scenario we face on a regular basis. She will NOT use a potty that flushes itself and in this case the bathroom was too loud. We leave, get to car, potty, and are on our way. Then the "Are we there yet, I want to be home begins." Followed by another MUST have potty break right as my friend calls (the one person who has called me all week b/c I rarely get to use the phone) so I have to let her go, we pull over, use the portable potty (which ended up in much frustrated being taken out on her by me). Seconds later complaints of being hungry begin from both of them. I start self criticizing myself, wondering why I get so frustrated, aggrevated and then regret my actions. I have failed as a mother. My one day off with them in a 9 day stretch and I have spent it completely annoyed and flustered at every request. Why do I feel like a complete failure, everything I try to do ends up being the wrong response. I try to warn my oldest that if she keeps whining she will go to her room when she gets home. This only incurs further whining from her and screams from the other one. Did I do this to them? Have I allowed them to be fulfilled at every request that they can't wait, everything has to be RIGHT then? Failure sets in.
The whole time my husband is listening to his Ipod like the world is oblivious to him. I get aggitated at that too. I get further annoyed as the seconds continue and we have to make one other stop at the grocery store b/c we HAVE to have bakery cinnamon rolls for breakfast or another conflict will take place. My husband decides he would go in and thankfully hands me the Ipod. Heaven, I crank up Snoop Dog and reminice on my younger days of worries filled with boys, homework, and friends. Remembering the nights my best friend and I would drive around in my Camaro singing outloud to good old Snoop. I am now sitting in a car listening to two kids whining, wondering what went wrong. How did I end up a failure as a mom?
Now we are going on 45 minutes of the constant "I'm hungry" cries. My husband, of course, tries to diffuse the situation by trying to play games, be funny, sing songs, etc. I wonder why can't I do that? Why do I instantly get so irritated and give up going straight to threats? Failure sets in.
Kuddos to the moms who handle more than 2 b/c I think I would have to check myself into a mental facility just to get peace.