Christmas Poem for my mom, grief for siblings, and a great website

This poem is for my mother because I know this is how she has been feeling lately. I love you mom and I hope you will relate with others who have felt the same pain.

~Christmas Without You~

It's going to be a sad Christmas this year

without your laughter & without your cheer.

I'll miss the sight of you with your Santa's hat,

and the smile you shared from where you sat.

I'll think about all the Christmas's in the past,

and hold to the memories that slipped so fast.

For they're all I have left to remember,

on this sad Christmas morning in December.

I'll think about you and cherish each though;

I'll think of your smile & the happiness it brought.

And as I listen to the church bells ring, your voice will echo as the choirs sing.

I can never tell you, my love, how sad it will be

to spend Christmas without you here with me.

I just wish you'd touch my heart in such a way,

that I could live through the pain of Christmas Day.

And, help me to remember that your love

is still sent to me from the Heavens above.

And although you won't decorate my Christmas tree,

Your spirit will light the lights for me to see.

Oh, I'll hear your voice in each Christmas song.

I'll see your face in each child that comes along.

And although my heart will be broken and torn...

I'll know you're with Jesus on this Christmas morn.

No, Christmas won't be the same without your smiling face

but I'll know you're in a much better place.

I'll think of my precious child in everything I do...

Cause, it just won't be "Christmas Without You!"

Written by Kaye Des'Ormeaux

Copyright 1998 Kaye Des'Ormeaux
Dedicated to Karen in memory of Jamie
http://www.geocities.com/Wellesley/Garden/4922/
~reprinted with permission
Halo Garden
<><><><><>This is a beautiful sight to go to if you have lost a loved one. The poetry is amazing, the butterfly garden, and resources are helpful, especially through this time of year.

Created for bereaved parents who are grieving the loss of a child. Butterfly dedications, child memorial website links, ADC experiences and much more.

I found this article on grieving the loss of a sibling and found it to be great information for those who have lost a sibling in life. Loss of an Adult Sibling is where I got the article.
Loss of an Adult Sibling

Disenfranchised Grief
When adults lose a sibling, they often feel abandoned by society. The sympathy goes to their parents, but brothers and sisters are supposed to "get over it" quickly so they can comfort the parents or replace the lost sibling. This is one of the reasons why adult sibling loss falls into the category of "disenfranchised grief". Bereaved individuals are encouraged to feel guilty for grieving too long.
When society fails to validate the grief and sadness of siblings, they do not receive the support necessary to heal. There is a tendency for the grieving individual to go into hiding with their feelings. This often results in a low-grade depression with which bereaved siblings struggle for many years. One of the benefits that technology has brought to the grieving population is by providing, through the internet, a way to connect to others in similar circumstances.

Life Changes in an Instant
When adults lose a brother or sister, the following are some of the issues they deal with and must resolve or work through:
Seeking a new identity
When someone has been a part of your life since birth, your identity is based on having them there. They form a part of the field or background from which you live your life, and as such, they are essential. They make up part of the unbroken wholeness that defines who you are. This relates to the concept of birth order.
When the first child is born, he or she develops certain characteristics and talents. The children born later will most likely choose other, different, characteristics to develop and to excel in, so they will be different from each other. The first child may become a star athlete, while the next sibling excels in academics. The siblings support each other by their differences.
In doing so, siblings actually loan each other their strengths, and when one of the siblings dies, that strength is lost, and the survivor's identity with it. It takes time to learn how to live your life again. You have to grow within yourself the parts once carried by your brother or sister. You don't "get" over this as much as "grow through" it.
The loss of a future with your sibling
Not only have you lost the actual person and your relationship with them, but you have lost the part they would have played in your future. You go on to marry, have children, buy a house, succeed or fail, and each event underlines the terrible reality that your brother or sister is not there. Forever after, all events, no matter how wonderful, have a bittersweet flavor.
Anniversary reactions plague the surviving sibling on birthdays or holidays and other special occasions. Bereaved siblings need not be too hasty in making life changes at these times. They may unwittingly be "acting out" the loss unless they are conscious of the date. If you haven't already done so, read the page on anniversary reactions.
Compulsive caregiving
What prevents many bereaved siblings from an uncomplicated grief process is their desire to protect someone--perhaps their parents, spouse, or their own children. The focus on being there for someone else helps them put their own grief process on hold. One of the most commonly noted responses to sibling loss is that surviving siblings learn not to fear the grief of others. They have been there--they know what it is like so they can listen to others who are grieving.
This can be carried too far. When bereaved siblings project their own hurt feelings on to others, and then take care of those others, it becomes counter-productive. Compulsive caregivers live on the periphery of their existence, focusing so much energy outside themselves that they become empty, over-stressed, and ultimately clinically depressed. Often, they appear "brittle," speaking in short, quick sentences, while they deny the underlying pain. The un-felt feelings then become a heavy burden that prevents the sufferer from becoming his or her best self.
To help resolve this compulsive caregiving, you need to confront your own sadness and pain, own it, feel it deeply. John Gray says "What you feel, you can heal," and this is the only route to growing through grief. You may need to talk about every miniscule detail of the death, and express the associated feelings over and over until you wear out the pain.

Dealing with trauma
A related issue that is particularly troubling in certain kinds of death is that of trauma. Our minds can only process so much information at one time. When the event is of a magnitude to create excess stimulus, it is traumatic. When a brother or sister dies suddenly from an accident, suicide, or homicide, this is definitely too much for us to take in at once. Trauma may also be a factor for those bereaved siblings who helped to nurse their sibling through a disfiguring disease, or witnessed their suffering.

Recovery from trauma involves working through the pain, and articulating thoughts and feelings about the loss to a trusted person. While this long process is going on, you can gain strength by working to increase your self-esteem. Each step that you take towards becoming your "best self" will create a corresponding rise in self-esteem. You will then be strong enough to handle another 'piece' of your grief. Traumatic grief must be dealt with bit by bit, not all at once.
A note about dealing with the people around you when you are grieving
Anger is a unique emotion. You can be sad or happy for no particular reason, but if you are angry, you need a target. If you use, as a target for your anger, the people who try to be helpful, you may end up driving everyone away. Let's face it, life can be pretty difficult to deal with sometimes. And one of those difficulties for most of us is knowing what to say when others are grieving. Sometimes we goof up and say the wrong thing. Please do not take it personally. Remember that after a major loss, we may see things in black and white for a while. But eventually, we remember that people can say dumb things and still have a good heart.
With Live in Christ,
Heather