I was doing my devotion this morning and found the verse of Philippians 4:6-7 to be quite relevant to my meltdown on Friday night. What started out as a normal day of going to work, my second of four 12 hour shifts, ended up being a nightmare. Work was a battle of uncertainty, rumor, confusion, busyness, and frustration. At lunch I was so angry and didn't understand why until later. I was expecting something that was probably not going to happen and that made me mad. The rest of the evening was problematic and endless call volume. I started feeling the anxiety grow stronger and stronger as the night went on. I was so frustrated that I was wanting to leave. I knew I needed my job so I had to endure it. I kept looking at some scripture and memory verses I have on my desk to try to get me through. I prayed for God's help.
Finally I was out the door and in my car driving home when it hit me full speed ahead. I tried to hold back the tears, the ache in my stomach that feels like your insides are going to go through your back, and the shaking and anxiety that was over coming me. I couldn't do it. I ended up bawling crying in a fit of fury, panic, and completely overwhelmed. I got home and could not even speak to my husband because if I did it would make it worse. I just wanted to calm down, go to sleep and make it go away. That didn't happen, of course, my husband wanted to know what was wrong since I was in utter panic and distress. We went outside as I tried to explain it all because I was so angry I knew my voice would carry through the house and wake the girls. I went and got my makeup off, took my medicine, got into bed, and said tomorrow is a new day. My sweet husband gave me a massage that drifted me off to sleep.
Today as I was doing my devotion I read," Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God and the peace of God who transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7
Wow, that stuck out like a sore thumb this morning. How had I allowed myself to get so overwhelmed and anxious? I made a list of some of the things that cause me anxiety; disappointments, changes that effect me negatively, my plan for the day, struggles, worry over my job, Rob finding a job, finances, the hurt and pain in my life, the future events to take place like the holidays and the trial, forgiveness and letting go of resentments.
I started to think about Friday and compared it to my list. Of course, I found several similarities. I had gotten paid Friday so that led me thinking about bills, I got disappointed at work, the day did not go as I had planned with all the problems that arose there, worry of the position I am in at work, resentful of those I thought were better off than me, and the trickling down effect that results from these things. They may seem simple to most, we all get disappointed, struggle at our job, worry about bills, etc. But for me, a lot of small things can lead up to many large things. And that night the grief that I tried to bury arose from within and became the focal point of my fear for the months ahead, the trial, the pain never going away, the loss I never thought could occur, sadness, anger, envy and rage.
As I looked back I realized my expectations were not met and I could see that my disappointment in something I thought I deserved caused my whole day to become erratic.
This verse spoke directly to me, it was like Paul was saying, "Heather,stop setting up goals that may be unreachable and realize that we do not "deserve" anything." God allows us to have and has the plan to prosper us. I just needed to wait patiently for the thing I wanted so bad, continue to pray, surrender it to God, and show him praise and thanks for what I am given. He has given me the ultimate gift, the gift of eternal life.
Now, I did pray throughout this event and asked for his help. But I was still led to a meltdown, maybe one God knew I had needed. I had to realize that my plans are not always his plans and I must surrender everyday in order to have peace and become like Christ. Without him, the event would have probably spiralled out of control sooner, while at work, it would end up trickling down through the next several days and possibly cause me to go into a deep depressive state. I would not have been able to look back and see the error of my ways to try and prevent it in the future. Will it prevent another one? Who knows, if you know me, then we can agree it probably will? But I can try and continue to pray, and maybe one day my stubborn brain will get it.
I had read a verse every time I got to work but had never reflected on it until now. It is 1 Peter 5:7 "Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." Really, how did I not get it when I have read it many times before. I just never took the time to reflect upon it and find the solutions to further understand why Jesus wants us to cast all of our cares upon him. This is how we grow, by his word, all of our answers lay in the Bible, it is the tool God gave us until his return.
The Purpose Drive Life by Rick Warren (I have put the link to his website) tells us what we need to do to fulfill our 5 purposes God gave for us. Then we can fully (well, maybe the beginning) to understand why we are here and the purpose we are supposed to fulfill. I failed on Friday, but we all fail, each and everyday, that is why we needed Jesus Christ our Savior!