We can't help but sometimes drift into the "what if's" in life.
What if the very thing you want to do seems impossible?
What if the things you try to protect your children from become the things that consume them?
What if everything you worked for was lost instantly?
What if you had decided to choose a different career path in college?
What if you had just a little more money?
What if you just found out I have a terminal disease?
What if a friend betrays you?
What if your friend is going through a difficult time and you want to be there but just can't?
There are thousands of "what if's" we find drifting into our minds as if the life we have could have been something else? We often question "why did this happen to me?"
I've been struggling with what I want for my life, asking God to give me direction as to what I should be doing, where can I make the biggest impact, etc. I spent last week sick with my stomach again. I need to have a procedure called ERCP as they believe I have a Sphincter of Oddi Dysfunction. ERCP is a high risk procedure that can cause chronic pancreatitis, especially among younger women. But the time has come to bite the bullet and get this cured because it is very dabilitating and put me out of work for a week and in the hospital. It happens mostly when I get stressed and tired. And with the 4 hours of sleep a night it's no wonder it came on so quickly. While out of work, my work did something that was quite unfair to me (punishment I imagine) which set me off into a tissy of frustration for what I am doing with my life.
I have been wanting to do a small program that will hopefully lead into a non-profit organization in the south Atlanta area for those who have been affected by violent crime among those who were taken too soon. Violent crime has a pretty narrow definition but I want to include the victims of drunk driving and suicide. I've made the presentation I want to speak with our pastor about (hopefully to get some start up help) but sit here and doubt myself and contemplate actually calling him or constantly thinking it is something I want to do but can't.
We also had a small house fire on the outside corner of my house. Thankfully a neighbor was coming down the street and actually stopped to help. He thought it was a grill because all of our wood chips were flaming. But he was a savior and helped minimize the damage and put most of the fire out. As much as that was a "why me" moment, I had to see how lucky we were to have been blessed with his timing and reaching out.
Ava got nipped by the dog (complete accident) and has a stitch on her cheek. Rob had to take her to the doctor and thankfully he did because I would NOT have been able to handle it.
Summer has "OFFICIALLY" began and by 9am I thought I was not going to make it. Another reason my job is just not suitable for me anymore. But what do you do when you need the money to provide for your family yet are in an environment that is unhealthy and wearing me out. I know only God can answer that so I've been praying God, can you pass a little sign my way, actually a BIG sign because like I said, I am a self doubter. I see the glass half empty which I wish could be different but it's one of those things that "is what it is."
I didn't really want this post to be a downer but it appears it has gone south. I wish I had some exciting wonderful things to share but unfortunately reality are the events of last week.